say WHAT??

Reader's Digest posted "12 Funny Things Your Christmas Tree Says About You" HERE


I included the link to give credit where it is due...but I am also stealing it to make the following post easier on my readers...

Reader's Digest has given us information to find what our Christmas tree says about us....

#1  White lights say "you ask your guests to take their shoes off"

(and..."I consider my tree to be a lamp")

My yellow lights on my kitchen Christmas tree say "I love butter" 

 #2  Multicolored lights say "you are an extrovert"

(the fake snow says "ridiculous!")

My VERY FEW mulitcolored star lights on my living room Christmas tree...
say "I am an outgoing person...as long as there aren't any other people around!"

(yes, that is the camel from our nativity...there was no room for him at the stable...)

#3  Blinking lights say "you have attention deficit disorder"

um...no it doesn't!! blinking lights say "I don't want guests to stay too long or get comfortable"

#4  Homemade ornaments say "you have lots of kids"

HA! well....compared to the PERFECT ornament above...

mine say "I have two kids that may have issues....and are against the colors of the rainbow..."

#5  Strung popcorn say "you have too much time on your hands"

REALLY? then what does this say?

 #6  Red balls only say "you wish you lived in a department store"

(and I bet your decorations have a theme...HA)

Mine say "dance when the sun hits just right!"

 #7   Yellow star on top says "you are traditional"

and you live in Hollywood...

My yellow star says "Hey shepherds, follow me!" 

#8  Glowing Santa on top says "you shop at Kitsch R Us"

I want one of these!!

Two fabulous sculptures on top say "one-of-a-kind"

The last 4 don't really apply to me.....(we can't have a live tree)
#9  Cutoff top says "you didn't measure the tree"

(this should never matter....haven't you see Christmas Vacation?)

#10  Vague evergreen smell says "you bought a healthy tree"

(animal spray smell says "you bought something's property"

#11   Strong evergreen smell says "you sprayed your tree with Pine Sol"

( and it says you are old and the Pine Sol doesn't mix well with the moth balls)

#12  Just plain smelly says "there is a dead bird in your tree"

more likely...."you tracked something in from the yard"

The one on the top:

I call "quaint, primitive look"

Jack calls it "the burnt tree"

The one on the bottom:

Kids say "bigger circumference to pile presents" 

I say "I can't see the TV!"

Classic MAZ vs. Elf on the Shelf

I had never heard of Elf On The Shelf until about 2 years ago. 

My friends were talking about this ELF that does something every night from December 1st until Christmas. Some people even talked about their ELF leaving gifts for the children.

Well, I immediately was relieved that we didn't know about this "Christmas Tradition".

We definitely did not need another gift giving tradition or another "something" that does something for the kids to find when they wake up!!

The boys were "old" enough that I did not need to worry if I should start this tradition to keep up with other families.....NOT GONNA DO IT...

BUT....

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine was telling about her kid being slightly disturbed about an ELF moving around the house at night.

"BING"   "BING"   "BING"  "BING"

A creepy ELF!!??!!

Now THAT is a Christmas tradition that I could enjoy!!!

When I got home I went straight to my elf sitting in my tree. He has been in my tree or packed in the attic my entire life! I think he is about 40 years old....or more!

I stared at him and said aloud "you look like those other elves...I wonder why you were never a tradition in my house...."

"HA HA....I HAVE BEEN A PART OF YOUR CHRISTMAS YOUR WHOLE LIFE"

I was shocked!

"listen here ELF..."

"My name is Elwood....ruler of all the elves."

He told me exactly how he had been a part of my Christmas traditions....

"I am the reason Max is out of candy before Jack is. I eat some of Max's stash at night."

"I get help when I need to hide the remote at night so I can silently laugh at you trying to find it the next day!"

"I was so happy this season when I realized you had bought new socks for Max. I was running out of socks to steal!"

"My favorite days are when you are nagging the boys to rinse the toothpaste out of the sink that I squirted in there the night before."

"When I am tired and can't be that creative, I can always be sure you will fuss at the boys for leaving the cereal box open!"

"It can be dangerous, but if you guys go to bed early enough....I can open a couple of cabinet doors!"

"Last year was great! You were trying to drink one glass of sweet tea per day. You really enjoyed sipping on that one glass...ha ha....I would sneak and drink half of it to leave you wondering how you drank your tea so fast without realizing!"

I could not believe it! I had the ruler of all the Elves on the Shelves!!

I told Elwood that he was welcome to do whatever he wanted to Jack and Max....

the creepier the better!

I had one rule:

Don't mess with me!

He agreed. Over the next few days, I enjoyed his work!

Jack found him in his bed....with a prize

One night, Jack found him playing poker....

he must have moved the party to the pantry...Max found him the next morning!

I found him stealing Jack's pop gun that Jack won at his Christmas party.

I had to get on to Elwood for messing up our advent boxes...I worked hard on those tiny surprises!

I found Elwood making a list last night.

I was thrilled to have a creepy elf in my home. This was going to be so much fun!!

BUT THEN.....

ELWOOD!!!

my hair doesn't need anymore help looking crazy!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS.......watch out for Elwood's friends!

My sacrifice led to her being a model.....

I knew at an early age that I could crush the opportunities of everyone in my family.

I did not want my family to miss out on talent, smarts or beauty....
....so I sacrificed my perfection for their future.

I decided to stay short.
I decided to grow hair that would never be tamed.
I decided to wear sweats, t-shirts and jeans...daily....
which would eventually blind me to all fashion sense.

I decided to be happy doing the minimum amount to finish EVERYTHING...

My niece, Nicole, can thank me now...


She is appearing in the December/January issue of Justine Magazine.....GO BUY IT!

(that is not her on the front)

THIS is my beautiful niece!

As I was purchasing my items at Target, the checkerouterlady asked "are you buying the magazine?"

"YES! My niece is in it!" I said excitedly.

But perhaps too excitedly because my outburst earned me a look that you would give a scary, crazy talking, homeless person in a dark alley.

"otherwise, I wouldn't be buying a TEEN magazine", 

the words unfortunately kept diarrheaing out of my mouth....

I turned to the shopper in line behind me..hoping for a smile...

SHE was buying 3 teen magazines....sigh

I finally shut up. HOWEVER, I wanted to tell them how my 17 year old niece is so thoughtful, a really great cousin to my two sons, a smart, mature girl that has a heart for missions, SUPER funny...and gorgeous....

I wanted to open the magazine and show everyone around me all the pages that she "owned" with her brilliance! BUT...it was raining and cold and I did not want to post about me being escorted out of Target......not this time.

 As I thumbed through the magazine, I saw a story on the "One And Only Queen".

"huh, Nicole must have told them about her favorite aunt.....me", I thought...

I read further..
..."you are pretty stiff, pretty uptight".....
..."controling"....

My heart began to beat faster as I searched for my name...or my picture....

WHAT??? dern, they were talking about queen latifah.....

THANK YOU SECRET SANTA!!

I won the jackpot at our Christmas Party! We played secret Santa and the package I chose contained this:
Peeramid bookrest

I have already found a million wonderful uses!
I did not want the entire "me" to be in the pictures....the camera adds 20 pounds!
Or my eating habits....I forget the saying...

ANYWAY, I wanted you to have proof that it is ME in the pictures so I included my feet!
(reference to a section in previous post HERE)

FIRST, I immediately enjoyed the gift when I read a bedtime story to the kids.

Sweet dreams!

 I don't have an ipad, but I am learning how to use it when blogging....
I am sure I will eventually get used to hanging my head off the couch in order to see the screen!

 I was reading some material to prepare myself for going back to work. I no longer have to find a place for my drink and snacks! They balance on the edge perfectly!

When I have been very busy throughout the day, I often try a stress release activity by the time dinner rolls around. I can now "release stress" WHILE cooking!!

 I LOVE using it to hide my great hand in Solitaire POKER!!

I am so thankful that I did not choose the gifts that contained the Starbuck's Gift Card or the Christmas Story Leg Lamp Nightlight.

The Peeramid has truly made my life more relaxing!!

THANK YOU SECRET SANTA!!

I don't have a problem......do you?

I am not a "sweet" person.

WAIT!! that is not nice...I heard all the readers mumbling in agreement....

I am not talking about my personality....thank you very much!

I am talking about taste preference. I would rather have salty than sweet. 

I rarely crave candy.

BUT....in the past few years, around the holiday times...I have started getting hooked on one candy. 

Last year it was the M&Ms with pretzels inside.

Another year it was Nerds.

Another year it was sour gummies.

This year....

Tootsie Roll Pops!

I have developed the habit of enjoying a Tootsie Roll Pop while I am working.....

And lately.... I have been busy...

This makes me feel like I am Comet in a scene from the movie Santa Clause 2.

It is at the end of this clip:

(fast forward to about 2:03)

Black Friday

I am not a shopper.

If I don't have a specific thing to buy or money to spend, then I find shopping to be a frustrating experience. 

EXCEPT the time between Black Friday and Christmas Eve!

I love to be right in the middle of all the holiday shopping!

WHY?

I love to observe human behaviors.

I love to watch the "Christmas spirit" bring out the interesting behaviors in every person!

(stolen pic)

YOUNG MOMS

I observed a mother in Target this afternoon. She had her young son in the cart and she was placing "secret Christmas items" underneath the cart.

Mom: "look at those cookies!"

Son turns away from mom to look where mom is pointing. 

Mom blindly grabs an item and slings it under the cart while her gaze is on her son. Then inevitably she has to buy the cookies that she pointed out because NOW her son is whining for them.

FAIL...

I wondered if she grabbed the right item. She looked at me with panic in her eyes. I smiled and laughed to myself. It must be her first kid. By her second, she will just be buying Christmas right under their noses without any fake distractions or worry! If my kids ever SAW what I was putting in the basket and actually paid attention, they never thought it was for them. I never bought them anything while out shopping! 

THE COUPLES

I love seeing the dating couple or young marrieds shop together.

The man is either pretending to be interested because he is unsure of their commitment level, or he is naively showing his boredom NEAR the lady.

(stolen pic)

I know when I have found a "seasoned" couple because the man is reading a book at the front of the store (prepared before the trip) and the woman is not in sight!

(stolen pic)

CONVERSATIONS

As I stroll through the store calm and happy, I hear the conversations from random shoppers.

Mother yelling at her preteen:

 "I'm tired of you asking for things everywhere you go! Don't you know it is about damn time for Christmas?"--NICE!

Grumpy old man that apparently forgot his book:

 "Why would you spend ten dollars more for the name brand? The kid will never know the difference if you just get this one!"

They were looking at the Disney Cars and he picked up a Matchbox car.

The woman jerked the Matchbox car out of his hand and threw it on the shelf and loaded the cart with Disney Cars. The man swore under his breath, made a comment about her IQ and walked to the next aisle. --MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HUSTLE AND BUSTLE

The other day, we were driving in the worst area to travel in Memphis (near the mall) and I saw some heads bobbing to music. I thought "they are having a fun shopping day".  

I looked to see if they had a religious bumper sticker.

(my pics)

Readers, I want you to remember that if Lord Vader can be happy while shopping at Christmas time, then so can you!

Be of cheer this season! Jesus did not come for toys and clothes. He came for YOU!!