losing everything

Everyone knows that you lose stuff as you get older. I mean physically.....well you may actually lose STUFF but for this post, I will be speaking about physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, etc....

Recently, I had the privilege of spending some one-on-one time with Jeff's grandmother while she is in the hospital. I have known her for about 18 years. She can be funny, sarcastic, grumpy, stubborn and sometimes downright mean.....

Thursday, she was in some pain and slept most of the day. When she was awake, she was mostly quiet. I started to observe and realize what it must be like to grow old. It is painful, sad and lonely in most ways. You lose hearing, sight, taste, smell and most people lose mental clarity. Your body starts to ache in almost every part. If you are having medical issues then it is even more painful. Your skin is thinning and you bruise or sore easily.

People talk to them as if they are an infant....because FACE IT....they look like they are not all there!!! I know MJ. I know that she is funny and most of the time she is mentally alert. Each nurse came in and talked to her in a high pitch, slow, wide eyes and close to her face as if she were from another country or a baby. I got cracked up at the looks she would give them. I won't tell you what she would say about them or what gestures they would receive as they left the room!!!

By the time you are that old, people don't know who you really are...or were....MJ played basketball before there was dribbling and she played tennis well into her 60s. I think of my own grandma. She hopped train cars, cut school, was on the roller derby team and caused all kinds of trouble as an identical twin. I think of women and men who have fought in wars, raised wonderful kids, invented things, built things, taught school.......or maybe have wonderful or interesting stories to tell....

But when they are lying in the hospital, nursing home, etc.....nobody sees them for those things....they see them as old people who don't know what is going on anymore...

There are some exceptions (mental illnesses) but no matter how distant they seem....I bet their minds have gone back to the special times. The times that meant the most to them.

I wonder what I will be thinking about when I am old and my body is breaking down. I wonder if I will be thinking of the first time I met Jeff and he was chasing Kevin Hipp around a house having a rubber band war and he hid behind a hanging plant......and I thought "what an idiot....but he is cute"
I wonder if I will think about the millions of fun times with my sons? or maybe my grandkids (hopefully all boys)...
I wonder if I will remember the crazy things I would do and say with my best friend Melony?
I wonder if I will think of my first date when I was 15 (you know who you are).....to a school dance driven by his mother with his little sister in the van...
I wonder if I will think about the worst memories...deaths of babies, friends, family...
Or maybe things that have not even happened yet (hopefully winning money)...

It was hard to watch MJ while she was in pain the other day. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to get old. I don't want my body to shut down on me. I want to see my family grow around me...but if my body starts to fail and it can't be repaired....then I PRAY that the Lord will take me home!!!!

Just in case that prayer does not get answered...like my "give me money" prayer, and my "make the baby quit crying" prayer and my "let this be the last ear surgery" prayer....

I will tell all my readers exactly what I have told Jeff:

If I am ever in a state where I can not communicate (non-verbal, vegetative, coma), DO NOT cover me up!! I would rather be cold than hot!!!
 DO NOT rub on my arm or stroke my hair or pat my shoulder! That irritates the crap out of me!!! .......however, if you think these things would irritate me so much it would bring me out of the coma...then do it....

a whole new level of friendship???

I came within a millimeter of slapping Max's ENT doctor today! My hand was hovering over his leg and I brushed his pant leg but did not follow through with the pain..............

Here is what happened...

We went for Max's 1 week checkup (after his 9th ear surgery in case I have new readers) and everything was going as normal.

 Dr. Chanin came in the office and greeted Max in his own creative way....He is great!!

He saw Jack in the corner and picked on him a little.....Jack picked back by asking him about the electric chair (Chanin has moved into new office space with older stuff).....I showed Chanin how Jack and I played around while waiting on him to come....and waiting on Max to get his hearing test:

Chanin knows how crazy we are....he liked it!!

Then Chanin started his talk with Max about how he put the tube in his ear..."I hammered it, screwed it, duct taped it.."

STOP RIGHT THERE...I said

"I want you to look at it before you say all that because I can see it and I'm not sure I am supposed to see the tube unless my bifocals are super special."

Chanin rolled his eyes, stopped talking and got out his instrument...."ok, ok."

He looks in Max's right ear (the surgery ear). He looks in Max's left ear (non-surgery ear). He says, "I don't see anything."

"oh, good." I say....as I am holding my head. I have had a nagging headache for 3 days straight and the fluorescent lights in the waiting room made my migraine worse and I was starting to get nauseous. 

"NO!" he says "....I mean, it is gone....the tube is gone..."

"WHAT???" I sat up so fast from my slouched position that I felt flushed and sparkly....(meaning tingly like I might pass out)....

Chanin: "It isn't there." He drops his shoulders and rolls backwards on the rolling stool. He looks so defeated.......he is so cute like a muppet (I hope he doesn't read this blog).

I am sure my eyes are bugged out......oh and by the way it is a Tornado Watch day here in Memphis and my hair is cut short so just imagine Little Orphan Annie Fro Hair and pale face from migraine....Halloween came early today!!

Then he made a motion to the left ear.......I made a muffled screech...."not that ear!".....you didn't put a tube IN THAT EAR....." I  started getting louder.

I grabbed my heart. He grabbed his heart. 

Chanin: "Oh! I forgot, I did not look at my notes....the right ear looks fine! The tube is where it should be but I did not see a tube in the left and it worried me. You said you could see it. I thought you meant from where you sat...."

I leaned over to smack him.....forgetting that you can't just smack any man for being an idiot.....Jeff HAS been gone since September.....

As I said before..... I stopped in time but I did brush his pant leg with my hand.....I think I scared him....He rolled away from me on his rolling stool....

I laughed....He did too, but it did not sound quite like my laugh....I think he was nervous!!

I am not sure if Dr. Chanin is a christian but I bet he keeps Jeff in some sort of prayers!!!

best plans.....blah blah blah....

alright....some of you may or may not have noticed that I was "off the grid" for a few days.....

I had some security issues on face book......not sure if I patched it but OH WELL.....

Let me tell you what I did! I sat there for 2 hours and deleted every single comment, post, etc off my page for a year and half....until my page said "Margaret has no recent posts"...

I was relieved. I thought "well if I do put it back where people can see my wall...it will be like starting over..."

Guess what!!??!!! When I checked the box that people could write on my wall and see my wall...

EVERYTHING REAPPEARED!!!!

It was like a FB horror movie!! so it is true....once you post it on FB, it is there forever!!!

Oh, well!!....... My advice to everyone.....be careful what you post! don't tell when you leave, if you are going out of town (listen up you disney people!!) and if you have a traveling husband.....ahem......

so I will be keeping my comments to a...........well.........creatively short

now, for your entertainment.....
Max's Halloween pumpkin 2010

what is going on??

New sleep schedule, new aches, new thoughts/worries.....

Is this what others call midlife crisis or is this when the cavemen sent the women to live by themselves in the woods???

I have moved into a new "phase of life" and I only turned 37.....I know people my age that are still having babies and I am thinking of college for my kids and new shampoo for my graying hair and possibilities for me if my health goes soon....(I am a pessimist)!!!

I started sewing again and I can't move my right shoulder and right side of my neck at night. When I am sewing (by hand) and the boys ask me to look up, it takes a couple of minutes for my eyes to adjust....I am completely blind for a while!!

I fall asleep at 8pm if I am sitting down and I wake up every night around 3AM...

My priorities are changing and I am playing around with some new ideas for my future....our future.....I may or may not share later in my blog.....

I pray every day that I will glorify God in what I do....but last Sunday, a lady said something so simple yet so DUH!!! to me.....and now my prayer has changed...

Lord, I pray that I will glorify you in everything I do....show me how...AND.....show me how to enjoy being here and living this life that you created me to live!

God DID create us in a specific way. He has given us commandments, personalities, gifts.....and it is all to be enjoyed. YES, it will be hard because we live in a sinful, broken world.....but I try so hard to do the right thing that I forget that it can be joyful!!!

just my thoughts
maz

Is This Normal? and I am so comfortable with that!

See my ring finger? It won't go straight. It is the injury from my previous post about the grass surfing on mud island....anyway, occasionally it will look normal but it is numb or has the feeling of hornets. I already have an appointment to see my doc on Nov. 3.  So I am just going to wait until then to see what is wrong. I did treat myself to an obnoxious splint yesterday for my birthday!! I had to spend a whole $5!! It is ridiculous but my finger feels much better AND warmer!!

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I was watching another episode of The Middle. The parents were trying to get "ahead of the game" at the beginning of the school year. Being prepared backfired for them and made things worse. The parents were out by their patched-up-above ground pool talking. Here is a great quote "there are in-ground pool kind of people but we are above-ground pool kind of people".  I thought about it and I guess literally we are a slip-n-slide kind of people.  I am trying to find out how to apply that to our life.......I am looking at Jack's cast, my finger, Max facing his 9th surgery, and the knowledge that Jeff is out of town...working 16-20 hour days and sick as a dog-doped-up-on-dayquil right now....SO YEP!! We are a slip-n-slide kind of family!

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I am totally embracing my "quirky" side and I am so comfortable with that!! I guess it will be up to MY FRIENDS and husband to let me know when it is time for medication. (notice I left out family....they would tell me it is time now!)

My quirky expressed in my latest creations:

CLASSIC MAZ IN STITCHES

I have no clue what this is

I have no clue what this is

these are "stuffy heads"...you put sewing needles and pins in their heads

no idea, but they are soft!

little monster girl on bag

...and craziest of all....my tie hair band! It is huge and obnoxious but it was my favorite tie that Jeff wore in college! (probably given to him by an old girlfriend....but that is fine!!) It also reminds me of his uncle Caroll Cloar's painting "Hostile Butterflies" (no, there aren't any butterflies on the tie....that is just how my brain works)....told ya QUIRKY

grab the closest old person!!!

Today was take an old person to the zoo day.....

I grabbed the closest oldie I knew......my mom!

Today was Senior day at the Memphis Zoo. Everyone 55 and over was free.
Today was the last day of my family membership and we won't be renewing...so we went to say farewell until .........................Free Tuesdays....

I rarely go anywhere in Memphis without my camera because of people like this:

The zoo publicized that they would have entertainment and vendors on Senior day. This is the first thing we saw at the entrance. I thought "how cute! an indian or egyptian (as my mother pointed out....Memphis theme) to welcome all the old people to the zoo". BUT I said "is he part of the zoo?" A zoo security said "no, we don't know what he is but he has been standing there for 15 minutes." So I took his picture!! He was standing still like a statue and grinning at the plaque on the wall that listed names of donors to the Memphis Zoo. I love big cities and the characters they attract!!

We weren't able to get there until later in the afternoon so it was almost time for the honored guests' dinner and bed time. Most of the booths were closing down. As far as the entertainment....they had a great live band playing 'Johnnie B Good' under a pavillion. They must have been playing for a while. There wasn't any "standing room". I have been to a "walker and wheelchair" dance before. It can get pretty ugly if you don't maneuver yourself right!! We decided to pass on this entertainment. The only other entertainment I saw this late in the day was by the eating establishment. There were about 20 to 30 seniors sitting on benches and in their transporters. They were gazing up in the sky. I checked to make sure they were breathing and then noticed they were in awe of this:

I waited for it to blow off the roof and scare all the old people...no such luck....we moved on....

Mom begged to see the polar bears. However, the memphis polar bear is just like all the other women around here....pregnant, cranky....and thinks she is entitled to alone time....so she is locked in an area where you can't see her. So, since mom is old and losing it....I got creative!!

Here is your polar bear mom..............

She was impressed! She loved the seal show and thought the trained polar bear was just as nice!!

My mom really isn't old! She has always and will always be young and fun. At least that is what she makes me chant before she lets me in her front door or in her car...

(click on this picture to see her hidden evilness)

We had a fabulous day at the zoo!

maz